Sunday, October 10, 2010
Homework --> Writing Down My Drinking History
So my sponsor gives me some reading to start in the Big Book, and some reading (the 1st Step in the 12/12) ... along with some worksheets involving the 1st Step. I was then told to start writing down my drinking history! HA! I made sure to ask that this wasn't to be done immediately. I thought about it for a few days, especially how to start it. I mean, do I think back to the first time I took a sip of alcohol. I think I was probably 13. And I sipped some, didn't like it and decided to just finish smoking my joint. After thinking about how to start writing it, I convinced myself that I couldn't start until I had a really good journal. I stopped by Barnes & Noble after picking up my sister in Cary and dropping her in Raleigh by the mall. Grabbed some Starbucks (compliments of them seeing as it was my birthday month) then stopped to grab the journals before going to a meeting. Two days later, I finalllllly decided to start writing, took the plastic off and was shocked! The damn thing didn't have lines! How in the world can I start writing when its just blank paper. This gave me another 2 days to procrastinate. Now, once I close this computer --- I am going to ATTEMPT to start writing. Wish me luck ^_^
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
My Luxury Vacation to County Rehab
Wow. I can't believe I'm actually going to write about this and let people know that I have a problem. This is definitely a first. I guess I am changing in small, sometimes not apparent ways. My stint in rehab was nothing like the establishments that the stars go to, go figure. This place was free since I didn't have insurance. And believe me it was every bit of county paid. I admitted myself voluntarily...and yet that is a lie.
Lets look back over the past year. I have two pending DWI's. Within a little over a year. The first, well was pure stupidity. I sat one evening, on my front porch with my best friend. She is an at-home mom, that I have the pleasure of seeing about once every 3 weeks, sometimes longer. Being graced with her presence if never guaranteed. Considering she lives about an hour away and gas is a bitch sometimes. Lets just say that on the rare occasion we do get to hang out (without kids), we always escaped our current life and situation by drinking a couple bottles of liquor straight to the head and smoking. We got to laugh and enjoy our time together without ever thinking about anything else, just for the moment. Eventually she left to head back home to Willow Springs, me still stuck in Raleigh, drunk and not ready to sit my happy ass still. My actions and behaviors were erratic and crazy at this point. My mother, terrified that I was going to drive (intoxicated), ending up calling the police on me, go figure! Upon arriving in our quiet, family oriented neighborhood, the police attempted to talk with me reasonably. Ha! I was talking shit, walking back and forth, giving the cops a hard time. They eventually calmed me down and I went inside to lay down. Or so I thought. I blacked out at this point. I vaguely remember getting out of my car for the police on Martin Street. I don't remember the part where (after my mother finally lay ed down, cuz I was supposedly asleep) I busted through two panes of glass in my bedroom window, crawled out, got in my Jeep and preceded to drive to get "food"... I basically woke up from my blackout when I was required to do a breathalyzer. I was handcuffed, taken downtown, fingerprinted, breathalyzed (where I blew a .25) and then allowed to sign myself out and released. The sad part is, I was pulled over by the officer that had been at my house. Kindly the officer called my mother and told her I had been arrested and he was sorry, he then took my car keys to my mother. When I signed myself out, I called a taxi, who I had take me home to get my car key, and then drive me to my car, where I then paid him to follow me back home (in case I got pulled over again, they took my license). And I went back to sleep. I hated to talk about this event the next day, and my mother didn't give me a hard time, but required I pay to get the window fixed in my room.
After about a day, life went back to normal. They took my license and I couldn't get it back for 30 days. After the 30 days, I went downtown to the clerks office and paid a $100 restoration fee to get my license back and then I was able to drive again. It was required that I take an alcohol/drug assessment before my court date (which was another $100) -- everywhere. I checked numerous businesses to see if any assessment places were cheaper. $100 is the rate everywhere, damnit. Just as most alcoholics/addicts, I still had the BIG character defect, manipulation. I blew a .23 --- my blood alcohol content "BAC" . I paid the money, filled out some paperwork, they asked some questions (I edited my answers = "lied") and then I meet with a counselor. She was very sweet, and I agreed to let an intern sit in (hell I didn't care). I cried and gave my sob story, and walked out with a "sentence" of 20 hours worth of alcohol/drug classes to take. Again I called around for the cheapest classes, and found one at SouthLight. They were very informative and interesting. And then I went on with life. Heck I still drank "alcoholically" the whole time, and after. Even when I presented myself to the judge and I got off with community service. But that was just the first one.
To be continued .....
(ie, the 2nd DWI)
Lets look back over the past year. I have two pending DWI's. Within a little over a year. The first, well was pure stupidity. I sat one evening, on my front porch with my best friend. She is an at-home mom, that I have the pleasure of seeing about once every 3 weeks, sometimes longer. Being graced with her presence if never guaranteed. Considering she lives about an hour away and gas is a bitch sometimes. Lets just say that on the rare occasion we do get to hang out (without kids), we always escaped our current life and situation by drinking a couple bottles of liquor straight to the head and smoking. We got to laugh and enjoy our time together without ever thinking about anything else, just for the moment. Eventually she left to head back home to Willow Springs, me still stuck in Raleigh, drunk and not ready to sit my happy ass still. My actions and behaviors were erratic and crazy at this point. My mother, terrified that I was going to drive (intoxicated), ending up calling the police on me, go figure! Upon arriving in our quiet, family oriented neighborhood, the police attempted to talk with me reasonably. Ha! I was talking shit, walking back and forth, giving the cops a hard time. They eventually calmed me down and I went inside to lay down. Or so I thought. I blacked out at this point. I vaguely remember getting out of my car for the police on Martin Street. I don't remember the part where (after my mother finally lay ed down, cuz I was supposedly asleep) I busted through two panes of glass in my bedroom window, crawled out, got in my Jeep and preceded to drive to get "food"... I basically woke up from my blackout when I was required to do a breathalyzer. I was handcuffed, taken downtown, fingerprinted, breathalyzed (where I blew a .25) and then allowed to sign myself out and released. The sad part is, I was pulled over by the officer that had been at my house. Kindly the officer called my mother and told her I had been arrested and he was sorry, he then took my car keys to my mother. When I signed myself out, I called a taxi, who I had take me home to get my car key, and then drive me to my car, where I then paid him to follow me back home (in case I got pulled over again, they took my license). And I went back to sleep. I hated to talk about this event the next day, and my mother didn't give me a hard time, but required I pay to get the window fixed in my room.
After about a day, life went back to normal. They took my license and I couldn't get it back for 30 days. After the 30 days, I went downtown to the clerks office and paid a $100 restoration fee to get my license back and then I was able to drive again. It was required that I take an alcohol/drug assessment before my court date (which was another $100) -- everywhere. I checked numerous businesses to see if any assessment places were cheaper. $100 is the rate everywhere, damnit. Just as most alcoholics/addicts, I still had the BIG character defect, manipulation. I blew a .23 --- my blood alcohol content "BAC" . I paid the money, filled out some paperwork, they asked some questions (I edited my answers = "lied") and then I meet with a counselor. She was very sweet, and I agreed to let an intern sit in (hell I didn't care). I cried and gave my sob story, and walked out with a "sentence" of 20 hours worth of alcohol/drug classes to take. Again I called around for the cheapest classes, and found one at SouthLight. They were very informative and interesting. And then I went on with life. Heck I still drank "alcoholically" the whole time, and after. Even when I presented myself to the judge and I got off with community service. But that was just the first one.
To be continued .....
(ie, the 2nd DWI)
Gonna Start This Blog Thing Again
So...
I'm not sure where to start. I can tell you that it feels really great to finally be typing again. Truely typing. The most difficult part is attempting to figure out these racing thoughts in my head. When I first started this blog, I wrote, where the ideas and thoughts came from, I'm not sure. I don't think I'm connected to that part of myself anymore. From now on, I hope to write about completely different things. I can't put a name on those things yet. For I am a new person, who I don't know yet. I'm pretty sure that no one reads my rambling blog, but damn if it doesn't feel good for me to get things out. It really helps when I have to actually speak things.
I guess if I'm going to continue to write in this blog, I should rewind as far back as I can (the past year). It may take some time, and much of it, probably won't make any sense. I will speak on a few events, most likely not in the correct order, but either way, you'll have an idea of where I'm coming from.
I'm not sure where to start. I can tell you that it feels really great to finally be typing again. Truely typing. The most difficult part is attempting to figure out these racing thoughts in my head. When I first started this blog, I wrote, where the ideas and thoughts came from, I'm not sure. I don't think I'm connected to that part of myself anymore. From now on, I hope to write about completely different things. I can't put a name on those things yet. For I am a new person, who I don't know yet. I'm pretty sure that no one reads my rambling blog, but damn if it doesn't feel good for me to get things out. It really helps when I have to actually speak things.
I guess if I'm going to continue to write in this blog, I should rewind as far back as I can (the past year). It may take some time, and much of it, probably won't make any sense. I will speak on a few events, most likely not in the correct order, but either way, you'll have an idea of where I'm coming from.
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