Oh Crap, I'm Starting To Like...

so i don't really like, well, much of anything. and the things that i do, i keep to myself.  i have no friends and sometimes i wish i did, but then i get really scared when i start to make them. and get close with them. and when i get scared, i run. Ive really been enjoying myself a lot lately, and I'm not sure what to do about it. life has been pretty depressing and tons of other words that i could use right now. i want to take pictures, it makes me happy, i wish i was modeling again, i wish i could get my hair colored and a dread perm (desperately needed), i wish i was in college studying and working on a career, i wish the man i love was here. i wish i didn't require so much attention. i wish i didn't care so much. i wish i had a street/road bike. i wish i had an income, i pray that i get a job soon. i wish i could offer my son more. i wish my back didn't hurt every single second of every day. i wish i didn't feel bad when people buy me food because i only eat once a week.  i wish i could get another tattoo, a piercing is also coming soon, i can honestly say if one of those two doesn't happen soon, i will be pulling out the razor. and by saying these things, being honest, people don't want to be my friend because they think that i am crazy. maybe i am, but i think I've come to accept it. yea i have some crazy tendencies, but i would never hurt another person unless threatened, i have the biggest caring heart, i love helping others when possible, I'm a hard work, i have a great sense of humor when people can pull it out of me. I'm terrified i will hurt someones feelings because I'm very blunt and think that we shouldn't hide things from others. okay, I'm gonna try to sleep now.

Clubbing During My Sobriety

I don't think think my sponsor or anyone else in sobriety would recommend going out to a club when you have less than 60 days clean like me.  But I'm Nicole .... that means that I have to test things and find things out for myself.  I worked all day at my good "friends" restaurant.  I had a few hours at home before a meeting was to start.  Another friend of mine (current drinker) calls because he wanted to stop by and hang out for a few, I said that was fine.  We basically talked for a few about certain questions he had about my sobriety.  How do I have fun, what are meetings like, why do I go, etc.  I answered his questions and then I asked if he would like to go with me, since it was an open meeting.  He decided to come get me, I picked another friend up and then we drove to the meeting. He enjoyed it and stated that it was very different from what he expected.  But he wasn't ready to take that step.  Which is completely fine.  We stopped and grabbed some taco bell, I dropped everyone off and then my friend that I had worked for that day came and picked me up.  We went back to the restaurant to shut down and then we decided to go see a bartender friend of ours.  We went to Trim, which is the old Basement.  It is completely renovated.  The structure is the same, but the walls look different and the lights are pretty lol.  There is a nice DJ now, and there are some cool VIP sections (small). 

This was my first time out since I got sober. I was still dressed very sexy but in a sweater (with cleavage) and some leggings with flat boots.  It was crazy being around so many people that we overly intoxicated and it was early.  It was shocking! Girls that were dressed up in fancy dresses, nice hair-do's and heals, with perfect makeup.  Stumbling around, dancing crazy ( not caring what the people watching thought), and then falling into the bathroom, asking their friends for water.  20 minutes later, they would be out at the bar again ordering shots.  And that's not to mention how weird it was being around my personal friends.  Seeing what drunk looked like, and it being somebody you know.  After I had been annoyed enough, I was so ready to go.  I was hoping that my friend didn't realize that time was changing that night and there was an extra hour of drinking left.  Luckily, I said let's go, and that's what we did.  I went straight home and got in bed and slept like a baby.  Remembering where I put everything, not loosing my car, and not waking up with a hangover, with no memory of the night before.  It felt great! So until my next outing.  Mz. Redd ^_^

Homework --> Writing Down My Drinking History

So my sponsor gives me some reading to start in the Big Book, and some reading (the 1st Step in the 12/12) ... along with some worksheets involving the 1st Step. I was then told to start writing down my drinking history! HA! I made sure to ask that this wasn't to be done immediately. I thought about it for a few days, especially how to start it. I mean, do I think back to the first time I took a sip of alcohol. I think I was probably 13. And I sipped some, didn't like it and decided to just finish smoking my joint. After thinking about how to start writing it, I convinced myself that I couldn't start until I had a really good journal. I stopped by Barnes & Noble after picking up my sister in Cary and dropping her in Raleigh by the mall. Grabbed some Starbucks (compliments of them seeing as it was my birthday month) then stopped to grab the journals before going to a meeting. Two days later, I finalllllly decided to start writing, took the plastic off and was shocked! The damn thing didn't have lines! How in the world can I start writing when its just blank paper. This gave me another 2 days to procrastinate. Now, once I close this computer --- I am going to ATTEMPT to start writing. Wish me luck ^_^

My Luxury Vacation to County Rehab

Wow. I can't believe I'm actually going to write about this and let people know that I have a problem. This is definitely a first. I guess I am changing in small, sometimes not apparent ways. My stint in rehab was nothing like the establishments that the stars go to, go figure. This place was free since I didn't have insurance. And believe me it was every bit of county paid. I admitted myself voluntarily...and yet that is a lie.



Lets look back over the past year. I have two pending DWI's. Within a little over a year. The first, well was pure stupidity. I sat one evening, on my front porch with my best friend. She is an at-home mom, that I have the pleasure of seeing about once every 3 weeks, sometimes longer. Being graced with her presence if never guaranteed. Considering she lives about an hour away and gas is a bitch sometimes. Lets just say that on the rare occasion we do get to hang out (without kids), we always escaped our current life and situation by drinking a couple bottles of liquor straight to the head and smoking. We got to laugh and enjoy our time together without ever thinking about anything else, just for the moment. Eventually she left to head back home to Willow Springs, me still stuck in Raleigh, drunk and not ready to sit my happy ass still. My actions and behaviors were erratic and crazy at this point. My mother, terrified that I was going to drive (intoxicated), ending up calling the police on me, go figure! Upon arriving in our quiet, family oriented neighborhood, the police attempted to talk with me reasonably. Ha! I was talking shit, walking back and forth, giving the cops a hard time. They eventually calmed me down and I went inside to lay down. Or so I thought. I blacked out at this point. I vaguely remember getting out of my car for the police on Martin Street. I don't remember the part where (after my mother finally lay ed down, cuz I was supposedly asleep) I busted through two panes of glass in my bedroom window, crawled out, got in my Jeep and preceded to drive to get "food"... I basically woke up from my blackout when I was required to do a breathalyzer. I was handcuffed, taken downtown, fingerprinted, breathalyzed (where I blew a .25) and then allowed to sign myself out and released. The sad part is, I was pulled over by the officer that had been at my house. Kindly the officer called my mother and told her I had been arrested and he was sorry, he then took my car keys to my mother. When I signed myself out, I called a taxi, who I had take me home to get my car key, and then drive me to my car, where I then paid him to follow me back home (in case I got pulled over again, they took my license). And I went back to sleep. I hated to talk about this event the next day, and my mother didn't give me a hard time, but required I pay to get the window fixed in my room.

After about a day, life went back to normal. They took my license and I couldn't get it back for 30 days. After the 30 days, I went downtown to the clerks office and paid a $100 restoration fee to get my license back and then I was able to drive again. It was required that I take an alcohol/drug assessment before my court date (which was another $100) -- everywhere. I checked numerous businesses to see if any assessment places were cheaper. $100 is the rate everywhere, damnit. Just as most alcoholics/addicts, I still had the BIG character defect, manipulation. I blew a .23 --- my blood alcohol content "BAC" . I paid the money, filled out some paperwork, they asked some questions (I edited my answers = "lied") and then I meet with a counselor. She was very sweet, and I agreed to let an intern sit in (hell I didn't care). I cried and gave my sob story, and walked out with a "sentence" of 20 hours worth of alcohol/drug classes to take. Again I called around for the cheapest classes, and found one at SouthLight. They were very informative and interesting. And then I went on with life. Heck I still drank "alcoholically" the whole time, and after. Even when I presented myself to the judge and I got off with community service. But that was just the first one.

To be continued .....

(ie, the 2nd DWI)

Gonna Start This Blog Thing Again

So...

I'm not sure where to start. I can tell you that it feels really great to finally be typing again. Truely typing. The most difficult part is attempting to figure out these racing thoughts in my head. When I first started this blog, I wrote, where the ideas and thoughts came from, I'm not sure. I don't think I'm connected to that part of myself anymore. From now on, I hope to write about completely different things. I can't put a name on those things yet. For I am a new person, who I don't know yet. I'm pretty sure that no one reads my rambling blog, but damn if it doesn't feel good for me to get things out. It really helps when I have to actually speak things.

I guess if I'm going to continue to write in this blog, I should rewind as far back as I can (the past year). It may take some time, and much of it, probably won't make any sense. I will speak on a few events, most likely not in the correct order, but either way, you'll have an idea of where I'm coming from.

Burning Touch

Let's make love;
touch me all over
let your hands roam free
kiss me in the places that take my breath from me
allow me to please you
let my mouth go to work
arousing all your needs
urging them on until it almost hurts
lets abandon our clothes
feel my skin on your skin
our bodies intertwined
loosing where end or begin
touching & tasting
the places our clothes conceal
pushing & pulling
finding places that seem unreal
where a lovers kiss can burn hot
with a passion that stings with its needs
where a man digs deep
looking for a place to plant his seed
with a passion unheard of
lets make love all night
until the sun rises & outshines our candle light

Empty Tears

I dissected the hollow eyes
the empty tears you cried,
verbally apologizing, mentally strategizing
plotting your next course of action,
your arms seemingly ached to hold me,
those empty tears put in place a distraction
your words carefully chosen, I'm trying to
find a way to put together this person
you left broken. You...you're clever
intuitively cunning, break her just a little moe
before she takes off running. Everytime you take
pieces away she's weakened, no longer
that strong, self assured, confident person you used to know, maybe, that person was too much to handle, so you had to find a way to
slowly dismantle. Every bit of her strength,
edurance and confidence, maybe you loved her
under false pretense, did it stroke your ego
to watch her fall? Did it fuel your desire
to watch her become less than who she used
to be? That person you destroyed was me
yet here I am vowing to find that
strength again, rebuilding the rubble
your destruction left behind and thank
you because what you've done helped
me see there's someone stronger inside of
me whose unwilling to bend or fold
who isn't buying empty dreams being sold
i can't take less than what I
deserve so I've become deaf to
meaningless words, I've grown numb
to those apologizes see, I love you, but
more than that..... I LOVE ME