Sunday, October 10, 2010
Homework --> Writing Down My Drinking History
So my sponsor gives me some reading to start in the Big Book, and some reading (the 1st Step in the 12/12) ... along with some worksheets involving the 1st Step. I was then told to start writing down my drinking history! HA! I made sure to ask that this wasn't to be done immediately. I thought about it for a few days, especially how to start it. I mean, do I think back to the first time I took a sip of alcohol. I think I was probably 13. And I sipped some, didn't like it and decided to just finish smoking my joint. After thinking about how to start writing it, I convinced myself that I couldn't start until I had a really good journal. I stopped by Barnes & Noble after picking up my sister in Cary and dropping her in Raleigh by the mall. Grabbed some Starbucks (compliments of them seeing as it was my birthday month) then stopped to grab the journals before going to a meeting. Two days later, I finalllllly decided to start writing, took the plastic off and was shocked! The damn thing didn't have lines! How in the world can I start writing when its just blank paper. This gave me another 2 days to procrastinate. Now, once I close this computer --- I am going to ATTEMPT to start writing. Wish me luck ^_^
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
My Luxury Vacation to County Rehab
Wow. I can't believe I'm actually going to write about this and let people know that I have a problem. This is definitely a first. I guess I am changing in small, sometimes not apparent ways. My stint in rehab was nothing like the establishments that the stars go to, go figure. This place was free since I didn't have insurance. And believe me it was every bit of county paid. I admitted myself voluntarily...and yet that is a lie.
Lets look back over the past year. I have two pending DWI's. Within a little over a year. The first, well was pure stupidity. I sat one evening, on my front porch with my best friend. She is an at-home mom, that I have the pleasure of seeing about once every 3 weeks, sometimes longer. Being graced with her presence if never guaranteed. Considering she lives about an hour away and gas is a bitch sometimes. Lets just say that on the rare occasion we do get to hang out (without kids), we always escaped our current life and situation by drinking a couple bottles of liquor straight to the head and smoking. We got to laugh and enjoy our time together without ever thinking about anything else, just for the moment. Eventually she left to head back home to Willow Springs, me still stuck in Raleigh, drunk and not ready to sit my happy ass still. My actions and behaviors were erratic and crazy at this point. My mother, terrified that I was going to drive (intoxicated), ending up calling the police on me, go figure! Upon arriving in our quiet, family oriented neighborhood, the police attempted to talk with me reasonably. Ha! I was talking shit, walking back and forth, giving the cops a hard time. They eventually calmed me down and I went inside to lay down. Or so I thought. I blacked out at this point. I vaguely remember getting out of my car for the police on Martin Street. I don't remember the part where (after my mother finally lay ed down, cuz I was supposedly asleep) I busted through two panes of glass in my bedroom window, crawled out, got in my Jeep and preceded to drive to get "food"... I basically woke up from my blackout when I was required to do a breathalyzer. I was handcuffed, taken downtown, fingerprinted, breathalyzed (where I blew a .25) and then allowed to sign myself out and released. The sad part is, I was pulled over by the officer that had been at my house. Kindly the officer called my mother and told her I had been arrested and he was sorry, he then took my car keys to my mother. When I signed myself out, I called a taxi, who I had take me home to get my car key, and then drive me to my car, where I then paid him to follow me back home (in case I got pulled over again, they took my license). And I went back to sleep. I hated to talk about this event the next day, and my mother didn't give me a hard time, but required I pay to get the window fixed in my room.
After about a day, life went back to normal. They took my license and I couldn't get it back for 30 days. After the 30 days, I went downtown to the clerks office and paid a $100 restoration fee to get my license back and then I was able to drive again. It was required that I take an alcohol/drug assessment before my court date (which was another $100) -- everywhere. I checked numerous businesses to see if any assessment places were cheaper. $100 is the rate everywhere, damnit. Just as most alcoholics/addicts, I still had the BIG character defect, manipulation. I blew a .23 --- my blood alcohol content "BAC" . I paid the money, filled out some paperwork, they asked some questions (I edited my answers = "lied") and then I meet with a counselor. She was very sweet, and I agreed to let an intern sit in (hell I didn't care). I cried and gave my sob story, and walked out with a "sentence" of 20 hours worth of alcohol/drug classes to take. Again I called around for the cheapest classes, and found one at SouthLight. They were very informative and interesting. And then I went on with life. Heck I still drank "alcoholically" the whole time, and after. Even when I presented myself to the judge and I got off with community service. But that was just the first one.
To be continued .....
(ie, the 2nd DWI)
Lets look back over the past year. I have two pending DWI's. Within a little over a year. The first, well was pure stupidity. I sat one evening, on my front porch with my best friend. She is an at-home mom, that I have the pleasure of seeing about once every 3 weeks, sometimes longer. Being graced with her presence if never guaranteed. Considering she lives about an hour away and gas is a bitch sometimes. Lets just say that on the rare occasion we do get to hang out (without kids), we always escaped our current life and situation by drinking a couple bottles of liquor straight to the head and smoking. We got to laugh and enjoy our time together without ever thinking about anything else, just for the moment. Eventually she left to head back home to Willow Springs, me still stuck in Raleigh, drunk and not ready to sit my happy ass still. My actions and behaviors were erratic and crazy at this point. My mother, terrified that I was going to drive (intoxicated), ending up calling the police on me, go figure! Upon arriving in our quiet, family oriented neighborhood, the police attempted to talk with me reasonably. Ha! I was talking shit, walking back and forth, giving the cops a hard time. They eventually calmed me down and I went inside to lay down. Or so I thought. I blacked out at this point. I vaguely remember getting out of my car for the police on Martin Street. I don't remember the part where (after my mother finally lay ed down, cuz I was supposedly asleep) I busted through two panes of glass in my bedroom window, crawled out, got in my Jeep and preceded to drive to get "food"... I basically woke up from my blackout when I was required to do a breathalyzer. I was handcuffed, taken downtown, fingerprinted, breathalyzed (where I blew a .25) and then allowed to sign myself out and released. The sad part is, I was pulled over by the officer that had been at my house. Kindly the officer called my mother and told her I had been arrested and he was sorry, he then took my car keys to my mother. When I signed myself out, I called a taxi, who I had take me home to get my car key, and then drive me to my car, where I then paid him to follow me back home (in case I got pulled over again, they took my license). And I went back to sleep. I hated to talk about this event the next day, and my mother didn't give me a hard time, but required I pay to get the window fixed in my room.
After about a day, life went back to normal. They took my license and I couldn't get it back for 30 days. After the 30 days, I went downtown to the clerks office and paid a $100 restoration fee to get my license back and then I was able to drive again. It was required that I take an alcohol/drug assessment before my court date (which was another $100) -- everywhere. I checked numerous businesses to see if any assessment places were cheaper. $100 is the rate everywhere, damnit. Just as most alcoholics/addicts, I still had the BIG character defect, manipulation. I blew a .23 --- my blood alcohol content "BAC" . I paid the money, filled out some paperwork, they asked some questions (I edited my answers = "lied") and then I meet with a counselor. She was very sweet, and I agreed to let an intern sit in (hell I didn't care). I cried and gave my sob story, and walked out with a "sentence" of 20 hours worth of alcohol/drug classes to take. Again I called around for the cheapest classes, and found one at SouthLight. They were very informative and interesting. And then I went on with life. Heck I still drank "alcoholically" the whole time, and after. Even when I presented myself to the judge and I got off with community service. But that was just the first one.
To be continued .....
(ie, the 2nd DWI)
Gonna Start This Blog Thing Again
So...
I'm not sure where to start. I can tell you that it feels really great to finally be typing again. Truely typing. The most difficult part is attempting to figure out these racing thoughts in my head. When I first started this blog, I wrote, where the ideas and thoughts came from, I'm not sure. I don't think I'm connected to that part of myself anymore. From now on, I hope to write about completely different things. I can't put a name on those things yet. For I am a new person, who I don't know yet. I'm pretty sure that no one reads my rambling blog, but damn if it doesn't feel good for me to get things out. It really helps when I have to actually speak things.
I guess if I'm going to continue to write in this blog, I should rewind as far back as I can (the past year). It may take some time, and much of it, probably won't make any sense. I will speak on a few events, most likely not in the correct order, but either way, you'll have an idea of where I'm coming from.
I'm not sure where to start. I can tell you that it feels really great to finally be typing again. Truely typing. The most difficult part is attempting to figure out these racing thoughts in my head. When I first started this blog, I wrote, where the ideas and thoughts came from, I'm not sure. I don't think I'm connected to that part of myself anymore. From now on, I hope to write about completely different things. I can't put a name on those things yet. For I am a new person, who I don't know yet. I'm pretty sure that no one reads my rambling blog, but damn if it doesn't feel good for me to get things out. It really helps when I have to actually speak things.
I guess if I'm going to continue to write in this blog, I should rewind as far back as I can (the past year). It may take some time, and much of it, probably won't make any sense. I will speak on a few events, most likely not in the correct order, but either way, you'll have an idea of where I'm coming from.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Burning Touch
Let's make love;
touch me all over
let your hands roam free
kiss me in the places that take my breath from me
allow me to please you
let my mouth go to work
arousing all your needs
urging them on until it almost hurts
lets abandon our clothes
feel my skin on your skin
our bodies intertwined
loosing where end or begin
touching & tasting
the places our clothes conceal
pushing & pulling
finding places that seem unreal
where a lovers kiss can burn hot
with a passion that stings with its needs
where a man digs deep
looking for a place to plant his seed
with a passion unheard of
lets make love all night
until the sun rises & outshines our candle light
touch me all over
let your hands roam free
kiss me in the places that take my breath from me
allow me to please you
let my mouth go to work
arousing all your needs
urging them on until it almost hurts
lets abandon our clothes
feel my skin on your skin
our bodies intertwined
loosing where end or begin
touching & tasting
the places our clothes conceal
pushing & pulling
finding places that seem unreal
where a lovers kiss can burn hot
with a passion that stings with its needs
where a man digs deep
looking for a place to plant his seed
with a passion unheard of
lets make love all night
until the sun rises & outshines our candle light
Empty Tears
I dissected the hollow eyes
the empty tears you cried,
verbally apologizing, mentally strategizing
plotting your next course of action,
your arms seemingly ached to hold me,
those empty tears put in place a distraction
your words carefully chosen, I'm trying to
find a way to put together this person
you left broken. You...you're clever
intuitively cunning, break her just a little moe
before she takes off running. Everytime you take
pieces away she's weakened, no longer
that strong, self assured, confident person you used to know, maybe, that person was too much to handle, so you had to find a way to
slowly dismantle. Every bit of her strength,
edurance and confidence, maybe you loved her
under false pretense, did it stroke your ego
to watch her fall? Did it fuel your desire
to watch her become less than who she used
to be? That person you destroyed was me
yet here I am vowing to find that
strength again, rebuilding the rubble
your destruction left behind and thank
you because what you've done helped
me see there's someone stronger inside of
me whose unwilling to bend or fold
who isn't buying empty dreams being sold
i can't take less than what I
deserve so I've become deaf to
meaningless words, I've grown numb
to those apologizes see, I love you, but
more than that..... I LOVE ME
the empty tears you cried,
verbally apologizing, mentally strategizing
plotting your next course of action,
your arms seemingly ached to hold me,
those empty tears put in place a distraction
your words carefully chosen, I'm trying to
find a way to put together this person
you left broken. You...you're clever
intuitively cunning, break her just a little moe
before she takes off running. Everytime you take
pieces away she's weakened, no longer
that strong, self assured, confident person you used to know, maybe, that person was too much to handle, so you had to find a way to
slowly dismantle. Every bit of her strength,
edurance and confidence, maybe you loved her
under false pretense, did it stroke your ego
to watch her fall? Did it fuel your desire
to watch her become less than who she used
to be? That person you destroyed was me
yet here I am vowing to find that
strength again, rebuilding the rubble
your destruction left behind and thank
you because what you've done helped
me see there's someone stronger inside of
me whose unwilling to bend or fold
who isn't buying empty dreams being sold
i can't take less than what I
deserve so I've become deaf to
meaningless words, I've grown numb
to those apologizes see, I love you, but
more than that..... I LOVE ME
Monday, October 5, 2009
All work, no Play
I try to make time for play, but when I do have time, I don't seem to have anyone to call. People have I guess, excluded me from their list of friends, due to the fact that, usually, most of the time, I'm working & can't do anything anyways. Uhhh, it sucks. I had the night off last night and couldn't even find anything to do. I am off tonight as well, and I am literally sitting in the house watching Bones, thinking about ceviche. Yesterday was Calvin & Melvins 32nd Birthday....I did get to see them tho, but not for long because my attention was distracted due to me drinking way to much, so not fun. Today is Roney's birthday, I wonder why I actually remember his birthday after the way our "relationship" ended. I don't even know if thats what you would call it, but regardless, we had something good, and being the confused or whatever male that he is, it abrubtly ended for no reason, which hurt and pissed me off. Why I care if he has a good birthday baffles me. I guess he isn't use to a true woman who actually cares about him & his happiness & whats on the inside, not just his outward appearance and whatnot. Ok enough. I think I'll post a few pictures? I love how when I write, my topics switch up so quick, why? because I can =)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
So I ran away from my blog & everyone
I've been really busy working lately, between the drycleaners from 8am-2pm, picking my son up from school at 3pm and then working at the club from 6pm-230am...I am barely getting any sleep. At least my bills are paid, the ones I have. And even then, Im sooooo not budgeting right. I am saving. I plan on going to NY for my birthday, MY GOLDEN BIRTHDAY!!! I'll be 23 on October 23rd, yea yea yea =) I guess I will be there Oct. 22-28, wonder what the heck I'm going to do the whole time I'm there, I will def. run out of money by the weekend lol. I'm taking my camera this time, well I had it last time, but just didn't seem right to take pictures of Brooklyn and the Bronx. And when I was in the city, it was dark. I will be all over this time, most likely staying in Queens.
I just got back from F21 where I wish they didn't have stupid prices on such small things. But I did get some new leggings, a few white tees, and snappy belt, and a purdy necklace. I also got another pair of jeans and some pumps. I saw some heels I want from Bebe, but I want them in a different color other than black. I can't wait to go back to Bakers and see what I can buy =]
Ok, I'm currently reading like 3-4 books. I have my daily magazine readings, and I have been hooked the last year or so on reading Karla Deras blog, Karlascloset.com, I totally IDOLIZE her wardrobe, and who she presents herself to be. She is right on my list under Ashley Olsen. Beyonce is a good one. And there are a couple more that nobody has probably heard of.
And I think I'm going to go ahead & get my passport so when I'm ready to travel one day (in my dreams), Ill have that already lol.
I just got back from F21 where I wish they didn't have stupid prices on such small things. But I did get some new leggings, a few white tees, and snappy belt, and a purdy necklace. I also got another pair of jeans and some pumps. I saw some heels I want from Bebe, but I want them in a different color other than black. I can't wait to go back to Bakers and see what I can buy =]
Ok, I'm currently reading like 3-4 books. I have my daily magazine readings, and I have been hooked the last year or so on reading Karla Deras blog, Karlascloset.com, I totally IDOLIZE her wardrobe, and who she presents herself to be. She is right on my list under Ashley Olsen. Beyonce is a good one. And there are a couple more that nobody has probably heard of.
And I think I'm going to go ahead & get my passport so when I'm ready to travel one day (in my dreams), Ill have that already lol.
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